My Choice
by Beloved Dawn
Summary: No one else changes personalities when they henshin. So why is Usagi so different? Her inner musings after Rubeus kidnapps the senshi. Based loosely off of her comments on the balcony, but with an added knowledge.


It's my fault you were captured. I was afraid. That's why I couldn't help. That's why you were all put through that. You tell me it's alright, that it was Chibiusa's decision to take my broach. But I did leave it where she could find it. I didn't keep it with me at all times like I was supposed to. I knew we were fighting, that the enemies were here, yet I left my broach. It was my fault.

Chibiusa's choice doesn't remove me from having made mine. She took my broach because she didn't trust me to do what needed to be done. I proved I could do it, but still. One five year old managed to bring ruin to the senshi, and all I could do was watch. I wanted nothing more than to body check them out of the way. My protectors. All I wanted at that moment was to protect them.

The really ironic thing? If I was really the impulsive, unintelligent person Chibiusa believes me to be, I'd have done it. But I'm not. The biggest downside to that is the person she thinks I am, the person I actually want to be, would do anything for a friend. I would put myself in any sort of danger, brave any fear. I, however, did what I always do. Put my brain (yes, I do have one, contrary to popular opinion) to use and calculated what was Right.

A quick side note. Doing what is Right is not the same as doing what is good, or what is appropriate. Good is a personal choice. Right is what keeps the universe aligned in such a way that the most amount of happiness is created. There is enough despair in the world. Making people happy helps balance it. If it wasn't for the happy people, the happy memories, I wouldn't have been able to defeat Beryl. Plus there would have been no extra will for that last wish. We'd all have been dead.

So back to the irony. Chibiusa describes me as thoughtless, rude, and a brat. It's not really true. Mostly I'm just a coward. To afraid of becoming who they want me to be. I am certainly intelligent enough to know that without the exasperated affection, without the laughs with true friends, without the random encounters and smiles my klutz attacks bring out, I'd be doomed. With me, so would the world. I need those memories. They anchor me to my body. To my life.

I can, at any point in time, stop being a klutz. I don't really take my mother for granted. I thank whatever deific being responsible for her and the rest of my family daily. However, can't I give them the memories they will treasure if I don't act like this? It's endearing. Of course it means they don't take me seriously. That's the whole point, see?

What, I haven't explained the point yet? Oops. Sorry. The point is this. I think I knew I was the princess before Luna found me even. I didn't realize it, but deep down I knew. Remember the moon kingdom? Now do you remember that I couldn't defend it in any way? Queen Serenity fought. Endymion fought. Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, and Venus all fought. So did everyone else on the planet. I couldn't. I didn't have the spirit as a princess. Serenity was only capable of wringing her hands. I looked out for my friends. I meet new people all the time. I was able to draw out Mamoru, even before he had any of his memories. Serenity couldn't do that.

Did you even wonder why my guards, my loyal senshi, are all so different? Mercury was always my intelligence and my reserve. She gets two jobs. Maybe not always the strongest attacks, but she held two jobs within my scouts. Mars was the intuition, and Jupiter the power. Venus was my wisdom. Princesses don't have to be anything but loveable. Everyone else did everything for me then. How can I save the world like that? How can I save my loved ones? How can I do anything at all?

I knew what I was getting into when I took that broach. My friends needed me, so I did it. I knew that being a senshi would spell my death. Even now I know that. Not because there's no sailor moon in the future. Just because there is no chance of there being an Usagi. Eventually, I will become the Sailor Moon everyone needs. One day I will become the princess they've been searching within me for.

And on that day, I will disappear forever. And she doesn't have the ability to save you.


End file.
